I need to stop asking myself why, when I know the answer. I just don't wanna deal with it, denial is good at times - but all in all it is overwhelming... This will continue until I decide to something about it... I guess I am too proud in a sense to do something. It's like you step back before you even go ahead, and well let's face it I don't like that. It just makes me feel even worse, and even more unmendable ... Maybe I should start listeing to the advice I give to others, that would probably benefit me in the long run... My whole like I've dealt with certain things alone, it seemes so much easier - but when I look back it was just another bad decision I made...

I have been at a battle with myself for the past few months, and I am ready for it to end. But I cannot seem to make my mind up... It's just another never ending battle with myself... Half of my brain is talking, and the other half is not listening...

I will be leaving in 15 days, and at times I feel like I don't even wanna go. But I know hope it will all be worth it when I get out there... I am kinda scared because sometimes it feels like he is a complete stranger... I guess because in my mind he will always be that timid boy sitting on the curb, with those big brown eyes... I still to this day cannot get that image outta my mind... Sometimes I feel like I don't even know the real Stephen...

I am gonna try to watch a DVD to get my mind off things... That usually helps...

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