I'm tired of the daily grind, nothing is ever unexpected anymore, and I miss that... I don't like too much order, it makes me feel not in control (as opposite as that sounds)... I'm tired of people telling me one thing and then doing another... I'm tired of people telling me I'm pretty, it gets old and unflattering fast... I was never one to take positive as positive, for me there is always a second meaning to what they say to me... I always look at the negative, it's easier like that sometimes... I guess I got used to all of the negative things people have said to me, and now I don't kno how to be happy when someone says or does something nice to me/for me... My self esteem has always been fucked up, and it is not an easy thing to fix... I'm trying to, but it's like with every step forward is another step back... I've let some of my "walls" down, but not too much... I don't like letting people in...

OK I'm gonna go look for my make up brushes that I lost, and then try to sleep... Sleep doesn't come easy nowadays...

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